Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Part 2. Handsome Man and the Sex Capital of Thailand

The first day of my voyage continued to be rather uneventful because I fell asleep at 4:30 p.m. (or 16:30 here) and woke up at 5:30 a.m. (still 5:30 here). After that, I met some nice people who were a part of my meet and greet program. I quickly found the person who would be my rival, and began planning his downfall. Unfortunately, after spending time with the group, I found that they were all nice and didn't need to meet their reckoning. And now I have a plan for destroying a rival that I can use later! A true win-win...

ANYWAY... We ended up going to some place called the floating market, which is exactly what it sounds like. Unfortunately, the crap they were selling was still crap even though we were on a boat. Then we went and saw some elephants (which feel oddly like coconuts), and the party in Bangkok was pretty much over. I did get some delicious sticky rice for 10 baht (30 cents). It was good...

I get another good night's sleep, and in the morning we head down to Pattaya. The following pictures are the view looking left and right of my hotel.
Pretty, Right?

Well, we make it to the hotel and obviously I'm starving/craving booze. Fortunately there are people on the streets who are more than happy to oblige. The picture below is just one example of the many street vendors.

All Your Seafood Needs in One Place!

Now, all of this food is insanely delicious and also dirt cheap. The unfortunate part is the fact that this street food is sold on the street. This "street" happens to smell like the porta-potty outside of a lumberjack convention that had chili eating/coffee drinking contest. If you visit Pattaya, you will be constantly switching between feelings of "I'm going to eat everything!" and "I'm going to throw up on my shoes!". 

One of the weird things that I ate with my friend Tayani. I  have no idea what it is, but it is probably a bug.
This country loves their protein, which is awesome. The squid and octopodes (the plural of octopus, I looked it up) were very good, but you can also get every type of chicken imaginable, fish(?) balls, little hot dogs, and pork. Seriously, they're everywhere. With all the cheap protein I started to get it in to my head that I could bulk up big time here. Maybe peak out at like 280 pounds. On top of that, I found out that my hotel had a gym! So after eating several entire animals, I went to lift weights

This is a picture I took of the gym. It is also an example of why my dreams of getting huuuuuggggeee were quickly dashed . That bar has every single weight in the gym on it. It looks like more than it is. Basically, It's light weight, yeah buddy, light weight.


Bulking up stopped being a viable option, so I continued my exploration of Pattaya Beach. I ate some more animals, and grabbed a beer from 7/11. They have bottle openers for you at the counter! It's the little things that make Thailand so nice.

Quick tangent: Whenever you buy a drink from 7/11 they give you a straw. No matter what the drink is. Getting a Coke? Sure, you could probably use a straw. Big ass water bottle? Ok, why not? But they even hand them out with Singha. After piling up enough straws to recreate a spitball version of the War of 1812, I finally learned why the hell they do this. Apparently women drinking straight from the bottle is a big no no here, and they were giving me straws on the off chance I was giving my beer to some woman (like that would ever happen, it's MY beer.)

As I was drinking a beer and walking down the street, I kept seeing hour long Thai massages being offered for 200 baht ($6.70). What could be better? I hopped in to one of the places and, little did I know, the beatdown was about to begin. First thing I did was take off all my clothes, and put on these giant capri type pants that would fit a 350 pound WWE wrestler. Then this tiny Asian woman led me to a massage table. I laid down and in a matter of seconds, she was on the table with me, digging her knee in to my hamstring while pulling my foot over her head. She continued in this manner causing me great pain all over my body by using what I assume is a Thai form of martial arts that they only teach to women under 5'2" because of its potential for destruction. I have made a vow never to cry because of something I intentionally put myself through (thanks Forrest Gump), so I managed to leave with some of my pride intact, but my muscles did not fare as well.
This is a rendition of Thai massage. I'm the one on the bottom, tapping out.
 Well, I'm tired of writing and I never actually got to the story referred to in the title. It should be addressed then. Will Adam train with the monks until he is strong enough to exact revenge on the Thai masseuse? Does eating bugs give you the mud butts? What is going to happen to all of the straws? These answers, and more in Part three: Running from Walking Street!!!!

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